Author: Alex Harlequin

I was very moved this morning by a series of segments on BBC Breakfast, talking about grief in lockdown.

I am not a stranger to loss or grief, but I have never lost someone very close to me, much less in such difficult times. I think I’m an empathetic person, but I know no matter how empathetic someone is, they cannot fully comprehend an experience like that until they go through it themselves.

On this blog I have been mostly focused on trying to bring hope and positivity to people in all circumstances, but I also want it to bring help and support where needed, so I felt called to write this.

To everyone who has lost someone, especially during or right before the pandemic, I want to say that my heart truly breaks for you. And while it might seem, while I’m blogging about the positive changes coming out of this time, that I’m ignoring or disregarding the pain that people are going through right now, who would much rather that Covid19 had never happened—that is not my intention.

I admit that I have not felt the full emotional impact of what is going on in other people’s lives. At the moment, the anxiety I’m experiencing for my family’s health and my own feels like as much as I can bear, and I try not to dwell on the terrible cost people are paying with their lives right now, because I’m afraid of being overwhelmed by the pain it invokes. I’m trying not to cry right now as I write this.

Recently I found out that a friend I hadn’t seen in several years for various reasons, but whom I still care a lot for, was in hospital. I’ve been doubly worried since I know she is high risk, and I’ve since found out she lost several friends recently. Although she’s home and stable now, I’m still concerned for her and remember her in my prayers. Some weeks ago, the thought of losing my parents suddenly hit me, and it was a horrible feeling that left me sobbing for several minutes. I am not a stranger to fear for loved ones. But I know I can’t fully understand what those who have lost loved ones are going through.

In many ways, this is an exciting time for myself and many others. We’re seeing so many changes to society, many of them good, which I hope and pray will be permanent. But I don’t want to be numb to or lose sight of the cost, and I want to be able to help in any way I can those who are really, really struggling more than any of us.

I will shortly be posting some resources and things which were shared on the show, but I will end this particular post with the poem by Hussain Manawer which really touched my heart.

An online memorial book for people who have died of Covid19 has been set up by St Paul’s Cathedral. It will be made into a physical memorial in the cathedral at a later date.

The project is called “Remember Me” and is open to anyone, of any and no faith.

We all know how important handwashing is for protecting ourselves and each other from Covid19. Recently it occurred to me that, under other circumstances, my memory issues would probably be a real hindrance to my doing this when I need to. But that is, thankfully, not the case.

I hardly ever go out at the moment—only to post something or for a walk around the block—but I receive stuff in the post all the time (mostly Amazon necessities) so it seems like I’m forever washing my hands. And I was a frequent hand-washer before all of this started.

I think I might have a mild form of OCD. It’s not something I’ve ever bothered to look into getting diagnosed, because I don’t really need to and frankly I’ve got much bigger health priorities. But in recent years, my brain has started categorising things as ‘clean’ or ‘dirty’, and if I touch something it deems ‘dirty’ then I am VERY conscious of my hands feeling dirty until such time as I’ve washed them. If I can’t do that immediately, then I avoid touching anything with them, or I use a finger or part of my hand which did not come into contact with whatever it was.

For some things, what’s labelled as ‘dirty’ is quite normal, like handling rubbish. But I also have that with clean bin bags, recycling that’s already been washed, dirty crockery, certain public surfaces like bannisters on the Underground, containers that are holding or have held ‘dirty’ things, and animals. Apart from causing my hands to dry out a lot, the only time this has been a big issue is when I was visiting my brother and his family in America, who have a dog. Every surface in their house felt dirty to me, and it was honestly quite psychologically stressful, but I managed to handle it by washing my hands before touching my face or bare skin and before eating, and keeping one set of clothes that I wore to visit them separate from the clothes I wore the rest of the time. At the end of the day, it was worth it to meet my baby niece and spend time with her parents too. I miss them a lot.

Back to the here and now, my brain saying “Dirty!” to me every time I touch anything in my block’s communal area, or packages that come in from outside, is protecting me from forgetting to wash my hands when I should. In fact I am washing them much more, because things can still feel dirty to me after three days, and because I’m keeping clothes for ‘outside’ and ‘when unpacking stuff from outside’ separate from the rest of my clothes, and washing my hands after touching them. Etc. There are some downsides to this—my hands and wrists get very sore; my basin needs cleaning more often; my hand towel gets really damp and needs changing more often; and thanks to my formerly disorganised quarantine system certain parts of my floor now feel dirty, so I’m trying to remember to wear slippers all the time to protect my socks and bare feet from becoming ‘contaminated’. But the alternative could be much worse, so I don’t mind. Of course, I’d prefer to not have a problem with memory which requires this mindset to protect me, but as long as I forget things, I’m grateful to not be able to forget that.

In some recent days I’ve been getting stressed out and anxious when I know I’m being too paranoid, and it’s been an issue then. But I’ve been praying against getting too paranoid to the point of it affecting my mental health, and that has helped a lot. It’s an ongoing process; I still have some moments, for example walking across the floor and suddenly thinking I trod on it earlier after walking in my quarantine zone so now it’s ‘contaminated’ and I’ll be bringing that into my bed; but they’ve thankfully decreased over the last couple of weeks. Being near another person e.g. one of my parents when they’re helping me out causes a lot of stress still, so I’m in the process of trying to change our shopping handover system to cut out the face to face contact. It’s a tricky balance of knowing whether adjusting habits/actions will make things easier or more difficult, and praying for strength and perspective is helping. I’m still a work in progress.

Today is International Nurses’ Day, and this year is especially poignant for multiple reasons.

The first one should be obvious, with the pandemic situation. Nurses and medical workers of all kinds are more important than ever before in this crisis, and being recognised more as well for their remarkable work.

But 2020, I only learned just now, is also International Year of the Nurse and Midwife, as today marks 200 years since Florence Nightingale’s birth.

Once again, I see a major anniversary falling in 2020, and I believe that, like the 75th anniversary of VE Day, it’s no coincidence. Perhaps for slightly different reasons.

As much as I would love to share a lot of resources and information, my ability to research is limited by my cognitive abilities, so I hope the few links at the bottom of the post will prove a starting point for anyone wanting to go further.

Tonight at 8:30, the public is being asked to “shine a light” from their window. I have set my alarm!

​2020 Year of the Nurse
NHS England: “Shine a Light”
Royal College of Nursing: Nurses’ Day
NHS England: Year of the Nurse and Midwife
Why “The Language of Kindness, a Nurse’s Story” is a Must Read

At 10 AM every morning, my alarm goes off to remind me to pray for our leaders and/or scientific advisers meeting to discuss the Covid19 situation. With today being a significant point in the lockdown situation, it occurred to me to share my usual prayer, so anyone can use it. It’s short but concise, to say what I believe needs to be said, even when I’m in the middle of something.

“I pray for all the people going into the meeting(s) today. Grant them wisdom, strength, compassion, co-operation, courage, peace and hope, to make the right decisions about what needs to be done for our nation. I ask for an outpouring of your Holy Spirit on any Christians that may be in the meeting(s). In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Although I’ve never written this down before, as time’s gone on I’ve found I’ve fallen into a pattern with regards to what I say. From time to time I’ll add something, for example mentioning Boris Johnson specifically when he was first returning to work after recovering from the virus. Adapt as you want.

(I should note that I chose 10 AM because it’s the time I was led to believe from television that the UK government holds its daily Covid19 meeting. I now think I may have misunderstood and it’s the scientists meeting instead. But God knows who is meeting, and I’ve phrased it openly to account for any misunderstandings.)

I’m a little late on the scene here; I heard weeks ago that Chester Zoo were livestreaming their animals, but it’s taken me until the other day to get around to looking it up. Unfortunately, I was late for their livestreaming (by about an hour and a half!), but I’m following on Instagram now to get notified when they livestream again, I’ve subscribed to their Youtube channel, and I watched a very cute 17-minute video of their penguins.

And then I started thinking, what else have I been missing out on? So I started doing some googling for museums and other places to see what else is available online. I’ve collected some below (there’s lots more out there), but I was also inspired to start my own Around the World Virtual Tour (I’ll be explaining in upcoming posts). I will also keep adding to this as I find more, and/or create a section in my Links page for stuff like this.

Zoos

Chester Zoo – Regularly livestreaming multiple animals during a full ‘zoo day’ (I think it’s every Friday, but not certain)

ZSL London Zoo – Videos of their animals

Aquariums

Monterey Bay Aquarium – Have ten live cams for different exhibits, including jellyfish, otters and penguins, operating at different times (during the day, Pacific Time)

Museums

Royal Museums Greenwich – Lots of educational videos on a variety of subjects, including ones very relevant to isolation

British Museum – Many, many options, including virtual gallery tours and podcasts

Museum of the Bible – #WordsofHope and episodes of The Lonesome Curator

Museum of Modern Art (New York) – running free educational courses and family art activities

Southbank Centre

National Gallery – Virtual tour

Natural History Museum – Online exhibitions

Other

Eiffel Tower – Virtual tour

Yesterday morning, I didn’t have any firm plans for celebrating VE Day beyond watching the major things on the television, hanging homemade bunting, and trying to listen to some of Andy Serkis’ livestreamed reading of The Hobbit.

Nowadays I always start my day watching Breakfast on BBC1, and it showcased some ways other people were celebrating, including one road somewhere which was holding a physically distant street party from their driveways. They talked about how tight their community had always been, and I found myself wishing that I had a neighbourhood like that. Later that morning when I was praying, I found myself thinking about the fact that I only know one of my neighbours despite living here for five years, and prayed for some kind of opportunity to get to know the people living around me better.

I decided to eat my lunch (an improvised picnic) on the strip of grass outside my block of flats, and on my way back in I checked my mail box. Inside it was an invitation to a “stay at home” street party!

I had an absolutely lovely evening, getting to talk to some of the people on my road and in my block from a two-metre distance. It was difficult to hear everything they said all of the time, but it was generally enough to be able to have a conversation! I had found a collapsible chair I’d forgotten I owned in my airing cupboard (don’t ask) so it was much easier for my to physically bear sitting outside than I normally would. I didn’t manage to talk to everyone, but we’ve agreed that we need to have local socials more often! Ideas have been discussed for a street BBQ next summer (circumstances allowing), and Cluedo nights in my block. I can also recall seven people’s names, which is quite a triumph for me as I’m generally not very good at remembering names!

Although I got a leaflet in my door some weeks ago offering help if needed by someone local (I’ve chosen to rely on Amazon and family support, since I have those options and some other people don’t), I’ve not been made aware of a Whatsapp group in my area. Now I’m wondering whether to look into possibly setting one up for my road …

Although I’ve heard it quoted so much, on the television and online, that the pandemic is bringing communities closer, this is the first personal experience I’ve had of this outside of groups I was already a member of. It’s wonderful!

It’s VE Day this Friday, celebrating 75 years since the end of the Second World War. In preparation for the sing-along in the evening, I located “We’ll Meet Again” on Amazon Music and have been listening to it on loop as I do things in the kitchen, since until now I didn’t know the words. It’s a beautiful song of hope, and I’m not surprised it’s resonating so much with people at this time.

With all the street parties and other gatherings now obviously cancelled, we’re finding other ways to celebrate. Today or tomorrow I will be making some bunting for my windows, and I’ll be staying up late on the night to watch on the television. I don’t know what else I’ll be doing yet, but I’ve got a few more days to figure it out.

It struck me yesterday when listening to the song, that I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that the 75th anniversary—obviously a big one—falls in 2020. It will be a big morale boost just when it’s most needed, at a time when the post-war generations can empathise more with what it must have been like during those years. And when I sing along to “We’ll Meet Again”, it’s more than positive thinking or optimism for me. It’s an expression of faith.

As part of trying to organise myself more, I’ve started a new bullet journal. This is something I’ve tried a couple of times before, with varying degrees of long-term success.

I actually originally just looked for some kind of planner/organiser on Amazon out of desperation over frequently losing to-do lists and shopping lists, but in a review of one someone mentioned using bullet journal templates available on Etsy. Well, my biggest hindrance to keeping up my previous attempts was having to design the pages before I could fill them in, so I immediately hurried over to Etsy in a very excited state.

I will freely admit that I might have been slightly too enthusiastic. I have a tendency sometimes to, in the middle of discovering something, push ahead with it without pausing to sleep on it first. One of the problems I ran into was, in the same way that planners aren’t set out in ways that are particularly suited to me, not all the templates (I got a couple of value bundles) were suited to me either. And when it came to mixing and matching, I got into some technical issues by not being able to edit them together before printing–but that’s a whole other story.

One thing I took from this is I need to stop doing something and sleep on it a bit more often. But while I think I will be making some modifications to my new journal over time, I am still glad I started it. It will be a while before I get the hang of it enough to be certain I have everything I need in my assorted task lists and shopping list and monthly planner, but it’s already proved useful.

I will be posting more over time on how this works out, as well as tips (probably mostly learned the hard way) and resources for anyone else wanting to start their own.