We all know how important handwashing is for protecting ourselves and each other from Covid19. Recently it occurred to me that, under other circumstances, my memory issues would probably be a real hindrance to my doing this when I need to. But that is, thankfully, not the case.
I hardly ever go out at the moment—only to post something or for a walk around the block—but I receive stuff in the post all the time (mostly Amazon necessities) so it seems like I’m forever washing my hands. And I was a frequent hand-washer before all of this started.
I think I might have a mild form of OCD. It’s not something I’ve ever bothered to look into getting diagnosed, because I don’t really need to and frankly I’ve got much bigger health priorities. But in recent years, my brain has started categorising things as ‘clean’ or ‘dirty’, and if I touch something it deems ‘dirty’ then I am VERY conscious of my hands feeling dirty until such time as I’ve washed them. If I can’t do that immediately, then I avoid touching anything with them, or I use a finger or part of my hand which did not come into contact with whatever it was.
For some things, what’s labelled as ‘dirty’ is quite normal, like handling rubbish. But I also have that with clean bin bags, recycling that’s already been washed, dirty crockery, certain public surfaces like bannisters on the Underground, containers that are holding or have held ‘dirty’ things, and animals. Apart from causing my hands to dry out a lot, the only time this has been a big issue is when I was visiting my brother and his family in America, who have a dog. Every surface in their house felt dirty to me, and it was honestly quite psychologically stressful, but I managed to handle it by washing my hands before touching my face or bare skin and before eating, and keeping one set of clothes that I wore to visit them separate from the clothes I wore the rest of the time. At the end of the day, it was worth it to meet my baby niece and spend time with her parents too. I miss them a lot.
Back to the here and now, my brain saying “Dirty!” to me every time I touch anything in my block’s communal area, or packages that come in from outside, is protecting me from forgetting to wash my hands when I should. In fact I am washing them much more, because things can still feel dirty to me after three days, and because I’m keeping clothes for ‘outside’ and ‘when unpacking stuff from outside’ separate from the rest of my clothes, and washing my hands after touching them. Etc. There are some downsides to this—my hands and wrists get very sore; my basin needs cleaning more often; my hand towel gets really damp and needs changing more often; and thanks to my formerly disorganised quarantine system certain parts of my floor now feel dirty, so I’m trying to remember to wear slippers all the time to protect my socks and bare feet from becoming ‘contaminated’. But the alternative could be much worse, so I don’t mind. Of course, I’d prefer to not have a problem with memory which requires this mindset to protect me, but as long as I forget things, I’m grateful to not be able to forget that.
In some recent days I’ve been getting stressed out and anxious when I know I’m being too paranoid, and it’s been an issue then. But I’ve been praying against getting too paranoid to the point of it affecting my mental health, and that has helped a lot. It’s an ongoing process; I still have some moments, for example walking across the floor and suddenly thinking I trod on it earlier after walking in my quarantine zone so now it’s ‘contaminated’ and I’ll be bringing that into my bed; but they’ve thankfully decreased over the last couple of weeks. Being near another person e.g. one of my parents when they’re helping me out causes a lot of stress still, so I’m in the process of trying to change our shopping handover system to cut out the face to face contact. It’s a tricky balance of knowing whether adjusting habits/actions will make things easier or more difficult, and praying for strength and perspective is helping. I’m still a work in progress.